He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
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I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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