i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.