brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now