and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
