my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
