totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
