pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
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"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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