Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
