True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
