he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
