Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize