i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
