I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
