so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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