i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
