I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
