things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize