I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Can you bring me the toilet please
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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