life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
God, I missed his penis.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
