WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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