I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
