So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
