Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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