you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
