I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
