what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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