The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
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You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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