walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
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We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
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there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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