I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Houston, we have a squirter
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
