I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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