sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
