wanna go halves on a baby?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
