Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I got inside last night via doggy door
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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