Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
