evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
