Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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