My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
