I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
