I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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