did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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