I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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