No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
