can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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