I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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