come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
