I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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