I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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