i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
