You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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