I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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