You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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