If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
