I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
