just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
