how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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