we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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